story of my life — or my discovery

“I don’t really know what kind of girl I am” –Juno

For those of you who are not familiar with the film, it entails the journey of teenage pregnancy, seen through an overly dramatic lens and sarcastic humor. Granted, while I cannot relate much to this specific context, the applicability is still present. What kind of girl am I? I have learned that questions like this remain, especially for others and with new interactions.

My answer: I really have no clue..but really really, I think I have some ideas.

To shift elsewhere that is seemingly unrelated (though I promise it all ties together), this post is aptly titled ‘story of my life.’ While I have found that phrase to be annoying in the sense of it being filled with a sense of melodramatic angst, it is ironically used by yours truly in attempts to describe this pattern I currently find myself in.

“I forgot what to do to fit the mold; the more I try, the less it’s working” jessie j

There are two part to this recent discovery, both of which are important in this continued journey. I share this so that you can learn from it without having to feel the frustration stupidity lesson learned that I did…or so that you can take it in, ignore it, and uncover something through your own journey, both very valid options.

First, I found myself this past year feeling stupid being misguided in my attempts to show someone who I was. I’ve never fit the mold of the stereotypical female. I realize that this is not a bad thing. But still, I found myself trying to for others and not for myself (which may have resulted in different feelings/outcomes). What came out were feelings of having lost myself more than had been found. of lying to myself, to others in the most basic sense.

The truth is I am simply guided in my actions by what I feel in the moment. I am undemanding at the highest level; I believe that there are very few things in life that require that much seriousness, generally unhurried by moments of frustration or anger. This should not be confused with a lack of passion for something. I simply like simple. and easy. I am also discovering more about myself as I continue forward, like the fact that I am more of a hopeful romantic than ever thought possible or believed…or would ever admit aloud.

The truth is I’ll take a pair of high-top chucks over 6-inch heels, a warm embrace and kiss over sexual escapades, chapstick & moisturizer over mascara, lipstick, & makeup, a good conversation learning about your story over being approached in a club by prospective (or rather not-so-prospective) partners. Can the latter of each example be done? sure. Have they been done? of course. I don’t have an answer yet as to what situations warrant what actions. Right now, I’m going with what’s comfortable. Whatever feels good in my soul to steal India’s words.

I guess the second part of my discovery deals with my responsibility to myself. I take sole charge of this. Unfortunately, I found that very thing shaken during the aforementioned moments. I lost the true sense of me, what I pride myself on, and that is simply being me without undue influence from others. I think there were definitely moments of pretending. and patterns that emerged from that in my interactions with others. hence, story of my life: I fall to others. This is something that bears changing. Lesson learned. Not losing yourself in others is as important as finding yourself within you.


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