“one in a million billion”

“girls like you are rare”

“you were the best girlfriend I ever had”

“you ruined all girls for me”

“you don’t get how special you are”

“you are one in a million billion”

Yup, that’s what’s been used to describe me. Before I continue, a few caveats if you will allow. First , I don’t post this because I am egocentric, immodest or want to highlight the above. Second, I’m humbled…in disbelief…but humbled. And appreciative beyond words. Third, despite the proximity of the day of love, this reflection isn’t about me finding the one.

this is what Google search brings up. very appropriate, i believe.

my thoughts concerning the musings expressed by others [in the least “I’m so jaded Kelly Clarkson should write a new song similar to this one or this one about me”  way possible]:

If I am so special, if I am so unique, if I can have someone feel something indescribable for being a part of “it,” whatever “it” is that gets created…

why can I then not find someone to make me feel the same? …again, finding “someone” is not the point of this post
(though it may appear so by the emphasis of the question).

Reflection of the self may be more useful in this case. Aaaand here’s the purpose: Rather than wondering about others, it can be more helpful to wonder about myself. Specifically, when did I become deserving of the above descriptions? When did I begin to lose those things? More importantly, how did I forget or lose those things? Reflecting honestly, I don’t believe those things aren’t lost…simply misplaced. I have never had to think about what I do. I just am. But lately, (with lately being defined in the broadest over-a-year sense possible), something is missing. What that something is I am not quite sure. Perhaps some concepts synonymous with that “something” may be happiness, contentment, ease.

I can’t help but be self-critical here. I feel like I am to blame for misplacing those qualities that bring brought about that “something.” Who else would be?

But I digress. Not because I can’t reflect openly, honestly on what my role is on the above mentioned, but because being self-critical is my comfort. Always has been. And, per my resolutions — or hopes — I pledged to ((among many other things)) brag a little, something you should do at some point as well. So here it is. My attempts at seeing, verbalizing, acknowledging certain things about myself that make me me. what i still have and will hold on to..

I am :

caring…

intelligent…

driven…

giving…

kindhearted…

ambitious…

human…

beautiful…

one in a million billion…

your turn.

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