song to self

“I think music in itself is healing. It’s an explosive expression of humanity.” Billy Joel

Billy Joel speaks the truth. Music, if given the chance, is like no other. Perhaps because it is so varied. so distinct. You can use one song to party like a rock star, to describe how a bad relationship is like when a tornado meets a volcano, another to express how you are a little bit stronger, one to remind you that we are ordinary people, one to say you’re sorry and that nobody’s perfect. and there are also those that remind you that everything’s alright. many, many more that let you, me, us know that life is a blessing.

Music can also act like a window into one’s being, offering a glimpse into life at any moment…or at least I believe so. I say this because it has truly been a part of my journey. My journey into discovery (of my self). My journey into advice (to my self). My journey into forgiveness (of my self). My journey into seeking peace and happiness and contentment (for myself).

These words (courtesy of Pop Evil & Jessie J), describe the journey I have taken (or at least part of it…the part I’m able to fit in and remember at 2am 3am 4am anyway). and what I have learned about myself on this road to happiness I share with you.

———-

“Erase this monster I’ve become
Forgive me for all the damage done
I’m begging for mercy
I’m only the monster you made me”

———–

“who I am
Isn’t who I used to be
And I’m not invincible
I’m not indestructible
I’m only human
Can’t you see
The beauty in me”

————

The first part of my journey was filled with a lot of self entitlement. And by a lot, i mean a lot. I thought I deserved happiness, no matter what. First off, self entitlement ain’t cute. But (more importantly, less superficially, and in a more grammatically correct fashion), that statement is false. Not that I don’t deserve to be happy. Rather, I think the way I went about it was wrong, misguided. Given the circumstances handed to me by life, and by the choices of others, and yes, by my own reactions, I felt that the world owed me something. I was ready to cash in on the karma I had stored up for that rainy day. Given that my days felt like thunderstorms most days than not, I figured it was my turn. Reflecting on that shortly after, my journey took an abrupt shift, into hating who I was (hence the above, very fitting lyrics). “The monster you made me” was what I let my circumstances create what I had done to myself. I went from thinking I deserved the world to believing I was not fit for the happiness provided guided by others. I lost sight of the beauty within myself, again succumbing to the outside world. I lost sight of the fact that I was not alone. I lost sight of the most important thing of all: that I am human.

Nonetheless, I continued that journey, blind.

“I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf”

————

“Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold.
The more I try the less it’s working”

————-

“Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
But tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
There’s nothing wrong with who you are”

————–

I truly almost lost myself. I tried to fit what I thought others wanted…instead of how i felt. I tried to be what I thought others were looking for…instead of recognizing what truly made me me. I tried to be someone who wasn’t like that girl left alone, shattered, drowning…instead of realizing that tears and sadness were not are not synonymous with failure. I focused on improving what people saw…instead of on how I felt. all in search of this thing called happiness.

Truth be told, I’m kind of still searching. AND THAT’S OKAY. Because I know I’ll find me. I’m pretty amazing like that.

With all that said, the biggest lesson, the most important take home piece for you (and me) is this: I was wrong. In looking for happiness, I neglected a major thing…seriously, mah-jor (with emphasis…like Rachel Zoe):

“…a state of happiness remains, despite life’s ups and downs and normal fluctuations of mood, as part of the very matrix of our being” Dalai Llama

Or in my words: Happiness has been there, is there throughout it all, despite it all. I just need to accept that it is a part of my life, despite the suffering. despite the sadness. despite the anger. despite it all; happiness remains. After it all, we are all just ordinary people. And so the search continues. but this time, with a better gps..


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