it’s been a weird day. so i figured i’d write.
the past handful of days have been…weird.
Clouds, really? you’re writing but not really saying anything. explore?
So I found out Friday that I was accepted to an internship program, that I’d be moving, that I’d finally move forward instead of sitting impatiently in the limbo that has been my life for the past 2 years.
pretty great, huh? well, yeah. not gonna lie, it was pretty amazing.
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[numbers & happy]
real talk: I’ve attempted to write this post quite a few times. I actually thought I had started it a few times but when I went to my drafts folder, all that there was was the title and blank space. Thinking about it vaguely, it’s been attempted 5 times over the past year and half. The post was originally titled “on number after 40 days.” Fittingly, this was after giving up weighing myself for Lent.
maybe I should backtrack a little bit. So I’ve written before about beautiful and biutiful and body image and highs and lows and cycles and patterns. Someone once told me that if I keep writing about it, maybe it’s because I haven’t learned what I’m supposed to about whatever it is I’m writing about. I think she’s right. She’s kind of awesome and insightful like that. Read the rest of this entry »
[language & happy] So I started writing about my experience with language a while back. Per usual, this process began on a random notepad and scrap pieces of paper, which have since been misplaced after months of not returning to the topic. Recent reflections, readings, and reactions to conversations brought back those thoughts…though I can’t say the Same for whatever paper they started on (trust me, I looked).
So language, huh?
Yup, well I kinda suck at it. Let’s explore. (fair warning, this will probably be a nice scenic route exploration. mostly because i really feel it needs…I need it. also mostly, because I feel like it…and let’s face it, I do what I want. good thoughts are coming, people friends, so it’ll be worth the read (i hope)). Read the rest of this entry »
I’ve talked about the idea that I’ve been told I’m one in a million billion before…like way-back-when-before-I-realized-I’m-not-everyone’s-cup-of-tea before. I (serendipitously/universe-guided/Godwinked) ended up reading this post as I waited for my flight to board, in the middle of traveling and stressing and hoping. After reading my thoughts written about 2 1/2 years ago, the following things came to mind:
* I sound kind of douchey. While I don’t think I was lying when I stated the focus wasn’t on what others thought of me, I think I was unintentionally kinda sorta actually fishing for a compliment. I wanted to feel special, like I believed that I was one in a million billion, like whoever said that believed it with all his heart and soul…and others should too. because, dammit I’m special and people /slash/ I need to believe that.
A simple reflection on that post followed as I was taken up to my most favorite place on earth — in the clouds…literally:
i am not special. Read the rest of this entry »
I think this will be the final post in this series. [If you missed out and are like “Clouds, what you talkin bout? There was a series?” Yes friend, there was. While brief, basically the last handful of posts were looking at traits (semi-negative) and how I /slash/ you /slash/ we can flip those to find some positive. While I have found positive aspects for being fragile, bitter, awkward, forgettable, and now stubborn and selfish, I kind of don’t want to do that anymore. I think I’ve focused too much on what I’m not by doing so. It definitely served it’s purpose. But I kinda wanna focus on some other things now. So after this brief-yet-probably-scenic-route exploration of my being selfish and stubborn, I’m going to switch to exploring those other things that contribute to my happy. K? Cool. Thanks for understanding.]
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[anxiety & happy]
Clenched fists — this was my unconscious attempt to contain the anxious energy flowing through my mind, through my body.
..take a look for yourself:
It was pretty eye-opening to see it captured clear as day. irrefutable evidence of the anxiety that rushed within. to realize that everything you were trying to hide somehow snuck through to the outside. After I saw this for the first time a couple of years ago, I wanted to understand it more, to see if I could figure out where it came from, to somehow change it. And I was actually able to do so. to unclench my fists. to allow anxiety to be a part of me without overwhelming me.
how’d you do that, Clouds?
good question, friend. let’s explore.. Read the rest of this entry »