Most people are on the world, not in it — John Muir
For the past few years, I’ve preached this whole personal responsibility thing…and I think I may have taken it too far.
I guess the recent realization is that maybe I’m reaching too far.
…Clouds, is this a sad-I’m-giving-up-let-the-pessimism-kick-in post?
Oh, gosh no. C’mon, you know me better than that! This is more of a I-will-change-the-world-buuut-will-kindly-step-around-those-who-don’t-want-changing kind of post.
[being over a thousand miles away from both cities that helped build me has left a lot of unconscious space for thinking about the relationships that have faded over the past 10 years or so. I learned that I’m good at fading. In some ways, it’s felt safer than tear-filled goodbyes or clear-cut it over. But it’s also left plenty of space for uncertainty and reminiscing. And, even if I’d like to think that it’s for the best or that I’m over it all, my daydreams and night dreams tell a different story. So, in an effort to provide myself with some closure (in a “coward’s way, still not reaching out, but at least I’m getting the thoughts out of my head” sort of way), I’ve decided to share an open letter to relationships that have faded or been lost along the way. I recognize that I am beyond blessed to have maintained friendships for 10+ years or made new ones within the last few years that are filled with love and memories…to you all, I thank you and will write soon (because fading is absolutely not an option for us). but for missed opportunities with kind souls that crossed my path at the wrong time, a time when I was too broken to accept that I could be loved; and for old friends who were like sisters or brothers, providing comfort in uncomfortable places; and for ‘friends’ who I will never know true intentions but harmed my spirit more than they helped; this letter is for you.]
“Sometimes in life there is not enough time to say all the things we need to say, and when it is all over all we can say is goodbye.”
I think Parenthood is ruining/enlightening me.
yeah, yeah, I got it friend..you need some exploring, right?
I got you. Let’s explore.
binge-watching marathoning Parenthood on Netflix. It’s a great show about family and relationships. about the ups and the downs. about marriage and divorce and disabilities and addiction… mostly, it’s about the love and support of family. Read the rest of this entry »
Alright Clouds, where are we going with this?
3 weeks. That’s how long I’ve been in Miami come tomorrow.
so what’s it been like, Clouds?
shitty, that’s what.
…umm are you gonna explore, Clouds, because that’s kinda vague…and sad.
of course, friend. Let’s go.
…actually, before we go, I wanna share a quick side note: it may not seem like it at first, but know that this is a positive post. one of motivation. and change. and life. and learning. I hope you’ll be able to relate to some parts. Maybe to the fall. Maybe to the rise. Maybe to the struggle in between. Whatever part, know that the harshness isn’t the point nor is it overlooking that each struggle is independent to the person. It’s not meant to downplay the difficulty of those of us who swim against the current or clench our fists more than others. It’s simply what I needed, at this moment, to keep going. to keep moving. Despite the shittiness, the silver lining is there. But it takes work. You got this. We got this. Read the rest of this entry »
So according to my WordPress notifications, I started this journey 4 years ago, with ramblings at midnight, taking a leap of faith that included putting myself out there, out here, in the interweb, open to judgment from friends and strangers. For the most part, I think it’s worked out. I’ve gotten to hear from people I have never met in person but whom I connect with on a level beyond comprehension. I’ve also gotten to connect with friends and family, who connect with my experiences. These are the exact reasons I started this. …and somehow, I seem to have gotten away from that. Do you know when the last time I wrote was?
`You’re going to tell us, aren’t you, Clouds?
- of course, friend!!
April 23. That’s the last time I had time to think outside my head about life and happy.
`that’s way too long to do that, Clouds!
- you’re telling me!
so what’s happened since then? Read the rest of this entry »
I feel like now would be a fantastic time to cash in all the good juju saved in my karma bank. Ever feel that way?
of course. let’s go.
So I’m at the beginning of a hectic few months. at a glance (because that’s all i can muster at this moment without becoming overwhelmed), here’s what I’ve got. I need to:
- find an apartment in Miami (countdown t-minus 3 months)…all long distance and with a tight budget
- not be a crappy maid of honor…from long distance until my trip to Chicago in less than a month
- research, research, research, & gather data, analyze, and write my ass (or hand) off to complete my dissertation before I leave
- continue working 6 days a week
- maintain a healthy eating lifestyle and work out at least 3 days a week so I don’t go crazy, gain 30 lbs, or become an alcoholic
- maintain my spiritual practice through church and meditation to aid with above
- be a good daughter to my Mexican mother and father since I’ll be away for a year (at least)..and because you know, I just should
- not be a shitty friend
- there’s probably more but I think the list is overwhelming me enough so pausing seems good (good choice, Clouds)
…not sure if making that list was helpful. My life for the next 3 months is on there. and I’m kind of really freaking out. Read the rest of this entry »