In a different life, today…
I might be celebrating 10 years with you
perhaps still unaware
that unhappiness isn’t a necessary part of life
assuming that the highs and lows are a personal fault
an “I must have done something wrong”
one you never seemed to concern yourself with
or seek to understand Read the rest of this entry »
Transitions can bring about the good, the bad, and the ugly. They can show you what you’re made of. They can illuminate the true nature of certain relationships in your life. They can drive you a bit crazy. Or they can fill you with confidence. They can also knock you on your ass. We’ve all had them, to one extent or another. Sometimes, those moments lead to impulsive (read: long time coming) reflections. This one comes after about 3 weeks in a new city, a week and a half into my new role as a legit professional, and after several interactions that made me have more negative reactions that I would have like. Following this, I also had several moments that humbled me (like “fall on my ass and need someone to pick me up” humble). I’ll explore allll that more fully later perhaps. I recognize that the first part is fueled by frustration and is momentary and undoubtedly eclipsed by the countless blessings and Godwinks that have filled my life. And I know that I being forcefully humbled is part of what has been happening through inadvertently lost packages and semi0broken into cars where the “robbers” take only a few dollars and a couple pairs of cheap sunglasses while leaving behind chargers, usbs, and other electronics (thank you, Universe/God/Creators of life). I don’t know if I’m through the forest yet, in the metaphorical sense, but for now, I’ll reflect on my process in hopes that you can relate and let the keys do the work as I let the thoughts flow through my fingers. Maybe it’s pride…
I’m sitting at one of my favorite Starbucks in Miami, staring out the window at the sky. On my left, the sky is covered in ominous clouds that threaten rain and fill me with a tinge of despair. On my right, a bright light blue sky with white streaks of shapeless clouds fills me with hope. I’m sitting in a green strapless sundress (given that my tanned /slash/ almost sunburned skin can not handle much clothing at this point), sipping my tall nonfat dirty chai, needing a pick-me-up as I attempt to work on the final presentation of my internship year /slash/ graduate education /slash/ formal education overall after a calm, sunshine and humidity filled morning at the beach alone…and I can’t help thinking “how the hell did I get here?!?”
I’ve been having this struggle lately (/slash/ not-so-lately) and I was thinking maybe you’ve been there too. Or maybe you’ll be there someday. Or maybe you’ve seen someone who’s been there. Or…whatever, the point is I asked myself, what’s the best thing to do when I’m struggling a bit? explore, of course.
[and we’re going to ignore the fact that I’ve been MIA for a bit…a long bit. I’ll probably write about it later. …probably meaning more than likely since I missed writing… alotta bit. buuut this draft was sitting, waiting, ready to be finished. So, on a Sunday night, after researching moving companies and applying for an apartment, I’m doing what I now best, writing…and procrastinating from the to-do list that’s been staring me in the face…and attempting to heal. So let’s continue, shall we? Thank you for agreeing].
Okay, back to it: so the struggle is with figuring out who I am. Well, not who I am exactly. Maybe more so it’s about being comfortable with who I’m figuring out I am. Or maybe not that either. …obviously the struggle is real since I can’t find an understandable way to express it.
I guess it’s fitting all the my pieces together in a way that doesn’t feel so disjointed. …yeah, I think that’s it. Read the rest of this entry »
“I’ve been sleepwalking
been wandering all night
trying to take what’s lost and broken
and make it right
I’ve been sleepwalking
too close the fire…” – Cam
That’s what I’ve been doing the past few months. Sleepwalking. And I’m wondering if you can relate. Shall we? Read the rest of this entry »
Most people are on the world, not in it — John Muir
For the past few years, I’ve preached this whole personal responsibility thing…and I think I may have taken it too far.
I guess the recent realization is that maybe I’m reaching too far.
…Clouds, is this a sad-I’m-giving-up-let-the-pessimism-kick-in post?
Oh, gosh no. C’mon, you know me better than that! This is more of a I-will-change-the-world-buuut-will-kindly-step-around-those-who-don’t-want-changing kind of post.
[being over a thousand miles away from both cities that helped build me has left a lot of unconscious space for thinking about the relationships that have faded over the past 10 years or so. I learned that I’m good at fading. In some ways, it’s felt safer than tear-filled goodbyes or clear-cut it over. But it’s also left plenty of space for uncertainty and reminiscing. And, even if I’d like to think that it’s for the best or that I’m over it all, my daydreams and night dreams tell a different story. So, in an effort to provide myself with some closure (in a “coward’s way, still not reaching out, but at least I’m getting the thoughts out of my head” sort of way), I’ve decided to share an open letter to relationships that have faded or been lost along the way. I recognize that I am beyond blessed to have maintained friendships for 10+ years or made new ones within the last few years that are filled with love and memories…to you all, I thank you and will write soon (because fading is absolutely not an option for us). but for missed opportunities with kind souls that crossed my path at the wrong time, a time when I was too broken to accept that I could be loved; and for old friends who were like sisters or brothers, providing comfort in uncomfortable places; and for ‘friends’ who I will never know true intentions but harmed my spirit more than they helped; this letter is for you.]
“Sometimes in life there is not enough time to say all the things we need to say, and when it is all over all we can say is goodbye.”