we ain’t kids no more…

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I’m sitting at one of my favorite Starbucks in Miami, staring out the window at the sky. On my left, the sky is covered in ominous clouds that threaten rain and fill me with a tinge of despair. On my right, a bright light blue sky with white streaks of shapeless clouds fills me with hope. I’m sitting in a green strapless sundress (given that my tanned /slash/ almost sunburned skin can not handle much clothing at this point), sipping my tall nonfat dirty chai, needing a pick-me-up as I attempt to work on the final presentation of my internship year /slash/ graduate education /slash/ formal education overall after a calm, sunshine and humidity filled morning at the beach alone…and I can’t help thinking “how the hell did I get here?!?”

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Cognitive Dissonance — or, remind me who I am

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I’ve been having this struggle lately (/slash/ not-so-lately) and I was thinking maybe you’ve been there too. Or maybe you’ll be there someday. Or maybe you’ve seen someone who’s been there. Or…whatever, the point is I asked myself, what’s the best thing to do when I’m struggling a bit? explore, of course.

sooo….shall we?
[and we’re going to ignore the fact that I’ve been MIA for a bit…a long bit. I’ll probably write about it later. …probably meaning more than likely since I missed writing… alotta bit. buuut this draft was sitting, waiting, ready to be finished. So, on a Sunday night, after researching moving companies and applying for an apartment, I’m doing what I now best, writing…and procrastinating from the to-do list that’s been staring me in the face…and attempting to heal. So let’s continue, shall we? Thank you for agreeing].

Okay, back to it: so the struggle is with figuring out who I am. Well, not who I am exactly. Maybe more so it’s about being comfortable with who I’m figuring out I am. Or maybe not that either. …obviously the struggle is real since I can’t find an understandable way to express it.

I guess it’s fitting all the my pieces together in a way that doesn’t feel so disjointed. …yeah, I think that’s it. Read the rest of this entry »

Sleepwalking

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“I’ve been sleepwalking
been wandering all night
trying to take what’s lost and broken
and make it right
I’ve been sleepwalking
too close the fire…” – Cam

That’s what I’ve been doing the past few months. Sleepwalking. And I’m wondering if you can relate. Shall we? Read the rest of this entry »

on social justice & personal responsibility.

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Most people are on the world, not in it — John Muir

For the past few years, I’ve preached this whole personal responsibility thing…and I think I may have taken it too far.

Let’s explore.

I guess the recent realization is that maybe I’m reaching too far.

…Clouds, is this a sad-I’m-giving-up-let-the-pessimism-kick-in post?

Oh, gosh no. C’mon, you know me better than that! This is more of a I-will-change-the-world-buuut-will-kindly-step-around-those-who-don’t-want-changing kind of post.

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An open letter to friendships faded and friendships lost.

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[being over a thousand miles away from both cities that helped build me has left a lot of unconscious space for thinking about the relationships that have faded over the past 10 years or so. I learned that I’m good at fading. In some ways, it’s felt safer than tear-filled goodbyes or clear-cut it over. But it’s also left plenty of space for uncertainty and reminiscing. And, even if I’d like to think that it’s for the best or that I’m over it all, my daydreams and night dreams tell a different story. So, in an effort to provide myself with some closure (in a “coward’s way, still not reaching out, but at least I’m getting the thoughts out of my head” sort of way), I’ve decided to share an open letter to relationships that have faded or been lost along the way. I recognize that I am beyond blessed to have maintained friendships for 10+ years or made new ones within the last few years that are filled with love and memories…to you all, I thank you and will write soon (because fading is absolutely not an option for us). but for missed opportunities with kind souls that crossed my path at the wrong time, a time when I was too broken to accept that I could be loved; and for old friends who were like sisters or brothers, providing comfort in uncomfortable places; and for ‘friends’ who I will never know true intentions but harmed my spirit more than they helped; this letter is for you.]

“Sometimes in life there is not enough time to say all the things we need to say, and when it is all over all we can say is goodbye.”

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Chipped.

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I think Parenthood is ruining/enlightening me.

Clouds? …?

yeah, yeah, I got it friend..you need some exploring, right?

yeah.

I got you. Let’s explore.

I’ve been binge-watching marathoning Parenthood on Netflix. It’s a great show about family and relationships. about the ups and the downs. about marriage and divorce and disabilities and addiction… mostly, it’s about the love and support of family.  Read the rest of this entry »

rebel without a cause — or, my mission

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I tend to see myself as very adaptable. flexible. floating through life like a leaf being carried by the ever changing winds. a bit poetic, no?
Alright Clouds, where are we going with this?
Well, I was thinking at how not good that can be at times.
Explore?
Of course, friend. So first, let’s just put it out there that I’ve known my basic career trajectory since around senior year of high school. And let’s face it, it’d be a whole lotta sad if I’d spend the past 10 years pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees just for fun. *Side note: …that number just made me really sad. 10 years is what I’ve spent in an attempt to accomplish all this…whatever “this” is. Aaaanyway, happy thoughts. Let’s focus. So yes, I’ve had a pretty good idea of what I’m doing. But, at the same time, I’ve still been floating. Sometimes it feels as if my goals are too broad, that I want to accomplish too much, that I have so many directions I’d like to go in, that all that results in a sort of standstill, like the damn winds have stopped blowing and I have to magically find legs as a leaf and choose a direction. …so that’s what I’m doing.

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