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“I’ve been sleepwalking
been wandering all night
trying to take what’s lost and broken
and make it right
I’ve been sleepwalking
too close the fire…” – Cam

That’s what I’ve been doing the past few months. Sleepwalking. And I’m wondering if you can relate. Shall we? Read the rest of this entry »

on social justice & personal responsibility.

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Most people are on the world, not in it — John Muir

For the past few years, I’ve preached this whole personal responsibility thing…and I think I may have taken it too far.

Let’s explore.

I guess the recent realization is that maybe I’m reaching too far.

…Clouds, is this a sad-I’m-giving-up-let-the-pessimism-kick-in post?

Oh, gosh no. C’mon, you know me better than that! This is more of a I-will-change-the-world-buuut-will-kindly-step-around-those-who-don’t-want-changing kind of post.

Read the rest of this entry »

An open letter to friendships faded and friendships lost.

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[being over a thousand miles away from both cities that helped build me has left a lot of unconscious space for thinking about the relationships that have faded over the past 10 years or so. I learned that I’m good at fading. In some ways, it’s felt safer than tear-filled goodbyes or clear-cut it over. But it’s also left plenty of space for uncertainty and reminiscing. And, even if I’d like to think that it’s for the best or that I’m over it all, my daydreams and night dreams tell a different story. So, in an effort to provide myself with some closure (in a “coward’s way, still not reaching out, but at least I’m getting the thoughts out of my head” sort of way), I’ve decided to share an open letter to relationships that have faded or been lost along the way. I recognize that I am beyond blessed to have maintained friendships for 10+ years or made new ones within the last few years that are filled with love and memories…to you all, I thank you and will write soon (because fading is absolutely not an option for us). but for missed opportunities with kind souls that crossed my path at the wrong time, a time when I was too broken to accept that I could be loved; and for old friends who were like sisters or brothers, providing comfort in uncomfortable places; and for ‘friends’ who I will never know true intentions but harmed my spirit more than they helped; this letter is for you.]

“Sometimes in life there is not enough time to say all the things we need to say, and when it is all over all we can say is goodbye.”

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I think Parenthood is ruining/enlightening me.

Clouds? …?

yeah, yeah, I got it need some exploring, right?


I got you. Let’s explore.

I’ve been binge-watching marathoning Parenthood on Netflix. It’s a great show about family and relationships. about the ups and the downs. about marriage and divorce and disabilities and addiction… mostly, it’s about the love and support of family.  Read the rest of this entry »

rebel without a cause — or, my mission

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I tend to see myself as very adaptable. flexible. floating through life like a leaf being carried by the ever changing winds. a bit poetic, no?
Alright Clouds, where are we going with this?
Well, I was thinking at how not good that can be at times.
Of course, friend. So first, let’s just put it out there that I’ve known my basic career trajectory since around senior year of high school. And let’s face it, it’d be a whole lotta sad if I’d spend the past 10 years pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees just for fun. *Side note: …that number just made me really sad. 10 years is what I’ve spent in an attempt to accomplish all this…whatever “this” is. Aaaanyway, happy thoughts. Let’s focus. So yes, I’ve had a pretty good idea of what I’m doing. But, at the same time, I’ve still been floating. Sometimes it feels as if my goals are too broad, that I want to accomplish too much, that I have so many directions I’d like to go in, that all that results in a sort of standstill, like the damn winds have stopped blowing and I have to magically find legs as a leaf and choose a direction. …so that’s what I’m doing.

Read the rest of this entry »

Infuse your life — or lesson learned in the sunset

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3 weeks. That’s how long I’ve been in Miami come tomorrow.

so what’s it been like, Clouds?

shitty, that’s what.

…umm are you gonna explore, Clouds, because that’s kinda vague…and sad.

of course, friend. Let’s go.

…actually, before we go, I wanna share a quick side note: it may not seem like it at first, but know that this is a positive post. one of motivation. and change. and life. and learning. I hope you’ll be able to relate to some parts. Maybe to the fall. Maybe to the rise. Maybe to the struggle in between. Whatever part, know that the harshness isn’t the point nor is it overlooking that each struggle is independent to the person. It’s not meant to downplay the difficulty of those of us who swim against the current or clench our fists more than others. It’s simply what I needed, at this moment, to keep going. to keep moving. Despite the shittiness, the silver lining is there. But it takes work. You got this. We got this. Read the rest of this entry »

fight the flight — or where I’ve been

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So according to my WordPress notifications, I started this journey 4 years ago, with ramblings at midnight, taking a leap of faith that included putting myself out there, out here, in the interweb, open to judgment from friends and strangers. For the most part, I think it’s worked out. I’ve gotten to hear from people I have never met in person but whom I connect with on a level beyond comprehension. I’ve also gotten to connect with friends and family, who connect with my experiences. These are the exact reasons I started this. …and somehow, I seem to have gotten away from that. Do you know when the last time I wrote was?

`You’re going to tell us, aren’t you, Clouds?

  • of course, friend!!

April 23. That’s the last time I had time to think outside my head about life and happy.

`that’s way too long to do that, Clouds!

  • you’re telling me!

so what’s happened since then? Read the rest of this entry »