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I think Parenthood is ruining/enlightening me.

Clouds? …?

yeah, yeah, I got it need some exploring, right?


I got you. Let’s explore.

I’ve been binge-watching marathoning Parenthood on Netflix. It’s a great show about family and relationships. about the ups and the downs. about marriage and divorce and disabilities and addiction… mostly, it’s about the love and support of family.  Read the rest of this entry »

rebel without a cause — or, my mission

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I tend to see myself as very adaptable. flexible. floating through life like a leaf being carried by the ever changing winds. a bit poetic, no?
Alright Clouds, where are we going with this?
Well, I was thinking at how not good that can be at times.
Of course, friend. So first, let’s just put it out there that I’ve known my basic career trajectory since around senior year of high school. And let’s face it, it’d be a whole lotta sad if I’d spend the past 10 years pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees just for fun. *Side note: …that number just made me really sad. 10 years is what I’ve spent in an attempt to accomplish all this…whatever “this” is. Aaaanyway, happy thoughts. Let’s focus. So yes, I’ve had a pretty good idea of what I’m doing. But, at the same time, I’ve still been floating. Sometimes it feels as if my goals are too broad, that I want to accomplish too much, that I have so many directions I’d like to go in, that all that results in a sort of standstill, like the damn winds have stopped blowing and I have to magically find legs as a leaf and choose a direction. …so that’s what I’m doing.

Read the rest of this entry »

Infuse your life — or lesson learned in the sunset

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3 weeks. That’s how long I’ve been in Miami come tomorrow.

so what’s it been like, Clouds?

shitty, that’s what.

…umm are you gonna explore, Clouds, because that’s kinda vague…and sad.

of course, friend. Let’s go.

…actually, before we go, I wanna share a quick side note: it may not seem like it at first, but know that this is a positive post. one of motivation. and change. and life. and learning. I hope you’ll be able to relate to some parts. Maybe to the fall. Maybe to the rise. Maybe to the struggle in between. Whatever part, know that the harshness isn’t the point nor is it overlooking that each struggle is independent to the person. It’s not meant to downplay the difficulty of those of us who swim against the current or clench our fists more than others. It’s simply what I needed, at this moment, to keep going. to keep moving. Despite the shittiness, the silver lining is there. But it takes work. You got this. We got this. Read the rest of this entry »

fight the flight — or where I’ve been

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So according to my WordPress notifications, I started this journey 4 years ago, with ramblings at midnight, taking a leap of faith that included putting myself out there, out here, in the interweb, open to judgment from friends and strangers. For the most part, I think it’s worked out. I’ve gotten to hear from people I have never met in person but whom I connect with on a level beyond comprehension. I’ve also gotten to connect with friends and family, who connect with my experiences. These are the exact reasons I started this. …and somehow, I seem to have gotten away from that. Do you know when the last time I wrote was?

`You’re going to tell us, aren’t you, Clouds?

  • of course, friend!!

April 23. That’s the last time I had time to think outside my head about life and happy.

`that’s way too long to do that, Clouds!

  • you’re telling me!

so what’s happened since then? Read the rest of this entry »

“Love will come set me free” — or, banking on Karma.

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I feel like now would be a fantastic time to cash in all the good juju saved in my karma bank. Ever feel that way?

exploring, Clouds?
of course. let’s go.

So I’m at the beginning of a hectic few months. at a glance (because that’s all i can muster at this moment without becoming overwhelmed), here’s what I’ve got. I need to:

  • find an apartment in Miami (countdown t-minus 3 months)…all long distance and with a tight budget
  • not be a crappy maid of honor…from long distance until my trip to Chicago in less than a month
  • research, research, research, & gather data, analyze, and write my ass (or hand) off to complete my dissertation before I leave
  • continue working 6 days a week
  • maintain a healthy eating lifestyle and work out at least 3 days a week so I don’t go crazy, gain 30 lbs, or become an alcoholic
  • maintain my spiritual practice through church and meditation to aid with above
  • be a good daughter to my Mexican mother and father since I’ll be away for a year (at least)..and because you know, I just should
  • not be a shitty friend
  • there’s probably more but I think the list is overwhelming me enough so pausing seems good (good choice, Clouds)

…not sure if making that list was helpful. My life for the next 3 months is on there. and I’m kind of really freaking out. Read the rest of this entry »

#gutsoverfear — or on (40) days

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[failure & happiness]

Folks, I started Lent this year with good intentions. Really good ones. really I did. It wasn’t about Numbers like before.
…I actually don’t know what it was supposed to be about. or I do… sort of. Cleansing, I guess. didn’t really work out that way. Read the rest of this entry »

I am not my hair.

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[hair & happy]

So I’ve been having this struggle with beauty lately.

I’ve done a few things about it.

I wrote about Numbers. I’ve been attempting to attempt the whole eating-healthy-working-out-not-overdoing-it thing ((again)). So far so good with that. But I’m still struggling. I also read this article on beauty and the most powerful decision a woman can make (read it, I’ll wait. seriously, it’s a good one.)

This kinda sums up how I feel most of the times:

“Some days, I don’t know what do with beauty. Sometimes I want to banish it from my life entirely. Have nothing to do with any part of it. Ban it, get rid of it, scream, “fuck beauty and fuck beauty standards” to everything, and be on my merry way. That way, I won’t be participating in the endless judgments I place on other humans, and on myself.”

Read the rest of this entry »