rebel without a cause — or, my mission

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I tend to see myself as very adaptable. flexible. floating through life like a leaf being carried by the ever changing winds. a bit poetic, no?

Alright Clouds, where are we going with this?
Well, I was thinking at how not good that can be at times.


Of course, friend. So first, let’s just put it out there that I’ve known my basic career trajectory since around senior year of high school. And let’s face it, it’d be a whole lotta sad if I’d spend the past 10 years pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees just for fun. *Side note: …that number just made me really sad. 10 years is what I’ve spent in an attempt to accomplish all this…whatever “this” is. Aaaanyway, happy thoughts. Let’s focus. So yes, I’ve had a pretty good idea of what I’m doing. But, at the same time, I’ve still been floating. Sometimes it feels as if my goals are too broad, that I want to accomplish too much, that I have so many directions I’d like to go in, that all that results in a sort of standstill, like the damn winds have stopped blowing and I have to magically find legs as a leaf and choose a direction. …so that’s what I’m doing.
I was challenged recently to think about my mission statement after expressing my multitude of clinical/professional interests. It got the wheels spinning. And, on a separate occasion, a supervisor described me as a “rebel without a cause.” While the context was a positive one, the wheels, which were already spinning, made me scream internally, fueled by the thought “but, I really want to have a cause!” Plus also too, it seems slightly pointless to keep rebelling if I don’t know what I’m rebelling against, no?
So then I thought, if clarifying a mission statement can help guide me professionally, maybe it can help guide my life! …obviously deciphering my life mission statement is a much bigger task than figuring out my professional one but, as you know, I’m more of a go big or go home kind of person. Someone (somewhat rudely) once pointed out to me that I can’t do things in an average way. That I either don’t do the thing at all or I go balls to the wall. Sure, I can see examples of this in my life, like getting a mountain bike and immediately signing up for tours and races instead of leisurely riding. or starting bikram yoga and signing up for a 60-day challenge on the same day I signed up for my basic membership. or having 4 presentations at a single professional conference. Whatever the case, I get it, it can be a bit off-putting. And honestly, I’m okay with that because, really, I learn better that way. I learn about my limitations and my strengths. I surprise myself. And even though I’m scared shitless of it most of the time, I can’t deny that challenge drives me.
So, what’s my life mission? Well, speaking honestly, I really believe it’s to make the world a better place. Don’t laugh. But you can call me naive. It’s okay. I get it. rockyLike Rocky said, “the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.” (although, since I’ve been in Miami, I have a good argument for why this isn’t necessarily #truth…but I won’t go into since part of what I’ve decided will help me achieve my mission is staying focused on one thought/task/purpose at a time. …we’ll see how long that lasts).

So yes, my mission is to work toward making the world be a place where the good outweighs the bad. or rather, where the good overrides the bad, helping people achieve the ability to experience the bad fully and honestly, but in a way that doesn’t allow that experience to take over their lives. Silver linings. Positive thinking. Reframing. Coping. Whatever you want to call it, I want to do it. I’ve always wanted to do it. True story: I started using Facebook shortly after it first came out about 10 years ago and, given that I am a lover of quotes (obviously), I immediately used a quote by the Dalai Lama in the “about me” section….because, really, Mr. Lama just seems to get me:

Yup, that’s my life mission. Although lacking a lot of specific details in terms of execution, it was much easier to describe my purpose than I had thought it’d be. Considering I’ll be turning 28 tomorrow, I think today was as good a day as any to figure this out. …okay okay, I hear you; I should probably get on figuring out my professional mission statement so I can get this whole “professional student” thing over with before I’m 30.
So, what’s your mission?

Infuse your life — or lesson learned in the sunset

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3 weeks. That’s how long I’ve been in Miami come tomorrow.

so what’s it been like, Clouds?

shitty, that’s what.

…umm are you gonna explore, Clouds, because that’s kinda vague…and sad.

of course, friend. Let’s go.

…actually, before we go, I wanna share a quick side note: it may not seem like it at first, but know that this is a positive post. one of motivation. and change. and life. and learning. I hope you’ll be able to relate to some parts. Maybe to the fall. Maybe to the rise. Maybe to the struggle in between. Whatever part, know that the harshness isn’t the point nor is it overlooking that each struggle is independent to the person. It’s not meant to downplay the difficulty of those of us who swim against the current or clench our fists more than others. It’s simply what I needed, at this moment, to keep going. to keep moving. Despite the shittiness, the silver lining is there. But it takes work. You got this. We got this. Read the rest of this entry »

fight the flight — or where I’ve been

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So according to my WordPress notifications, I started this journey 4 years ago, with ramblings at midnight, taking a leap of faith that included putting myself out there, out here, in the interweb, open to judgment from friends and strangers. For the most part, I think it’s worked out. I’ve gotten to hear from people I have never met in person but whom I connect with on a level beyond comprehension. I’ve also gotten to connect with friends and family, who connect with my experiences. These are the exact reasons I started this. …and somehow, I seem to have gotten away from that. Do you know when the last time I wrote was?

`You’re going to tell us, aren’t you, Clouds?

  • of course, friend!!

April 23. That’s the last time I had time to think outside my head about life and happy.

`that’s way too long to do that, Clouds!

  • you’re telling me!

so what’s happened since then? Read the rest of this entry »

“Love will come set me free” — or, banking on Karma.

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I feel like now would be a fantastic time to cash in all the good juju saved in my karma bank. Ever feel that way?

exploring, Clouds?
of course. let’s go.

So I’m at the beginning of a hectic few months. at a glance (because that’s all i can muster at this moment without becoming overwhelmed), here’s what I’ve got. I need to:

  • find an apartment in Miami (countdown t-minus 3 months)…all long distance and with a tight budget
  • not be a crappy maid of honor…from long distance until my trip to Chicago in less than a month
  • research, research, research, & gather data, analyze, and write my ass (or hand) off to complete my dissertation before I leave
  • continue working 6 days a week
  • maintain a healthy eating lifestyle and work out at least 3 days a week so I don’t go crazy, gain 30 lbs, or become an alcoholic
  • maintain my spiritual practice through church and meditation to aid with above
  • be a good daughter to my Mexican mother and father since I’ll be away for a year (at least)..and because you know, I just should
  • not be a shitty friend
  • there’s probably more but I think the list is overwhelming me enough so pausing seems good (good choice, Clouds)

…not sure if making that list was helpful. My life for the next 3 months is on there. and I’m kind of really freaking out. Read the rest of this entry »

#gutsoverfear — or on (40) days

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[failure & happiness]

Folks, I started Lent this year with good intentions. Really good ones. really I did. It wasn’t about Numbers like before.
…I actually don’t know what it was supposed to be about. or I do… sort of. Cleansing, I guess. didn’t really work out that way. Read the rest of this entry »

I am not my hair.

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[hair & happy]

So I’ve been having this struggle with beauty lately.

I’ve done a few things about it.

I wrote about Numbers. I’ve been attempting to attempt the whole eating-healthy-working-out-not-overdoing-it thing ((again)). So far so good with that. But I’m still struggling. I also read this article on beauty and the most powerful decision a woman can make (read it, I’ll wait. seriously, it’s a good one.)

This kinda sums up how I feel most of the times:

“Some days, I don’t know what do with beauty. Sometimes I want to banish it from my life entirely. Have nothing to do with any part of it. Ban it, get rid of it, scream, “fuck beauty and fuck beauty standards” to everything, and be on my merry way. That way, I won’t be participating in the endless judgments I place on other humans, and on myself.”

Read the rest of this entry »

A note, to Clouds, on balance.

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Dear Clouds,
I’m sorry to tell you this but balance is bullshit.
*read this article. it’s full of slap you in your face truth — which i think is some of the best kind of truth there is. like this one:

More than 50 years ago, the United States was roiled by the feminist and sexual revolutions, which together sought to bring women out of their household isolation and into a community devoted to achieving broader social goals. Yet far from rallying around these quaint echoes of sisterhood, we seem stuck today in a purgatory of perfection—each of us trying so hard to be everything that inevitably, inherently, we fail.

Read the rest of this entry »